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  • Tristan J. Miller

A New Perspective On Minnesota - Or Fast Car

I visited my home state of Minnesota a couple of months back, giving me a fresh new perspective on it. Primarily that it stinks. I am of course speaking literally here, there are a fair amount of cows where I was staying. I am of course joking here, I’ve never seen a cow let alone smelled one. I am of course pulling your leg with that last one, Minnesota isn’t more or less smelly than any other state in the union, other than Florida which smells like sweat-stained thong underwear.

Minnesota is, more or less, a decent place. 2020 did put into perspective a few problems that it has. Mostly that Minneapolis’ mayor looks like that. I’m making light of a serious issue, which while my job as a comedian and humorist, does make me uncomfortable in this regard.

So, here’s a little bit of sincerity.

The North is worse than The South because at least Southerners will stab you in the front. Whereas a Midwesterner will someone reach their hand around to stab you in the back all while apologizing for it.

This wasn’t my fresh new perspective, I’ve known that for a while and it’s upsetting to see so many Minnesotans learn about the stabbing situation and either a) accept it or b) get mad on social media about it.

My fresh new perspective was this, it’s way easier to get around when you can drive a car.

I recently acquired my driver’s license. I took lessons in the city and it was nightmarish but I did and that does make me braver than The Marines. I visited Minnesota when I still had my permit, which allowed me, for the first time, to drive around my hometown. It was a truly joyous experience to 1) not be bumper to bumper and 2) be able to drive down roads I’d walked to many times.

As I drove around I had a sense of independence, expansion, and awe all while being told where to park by various family members. Driving can be an incredibly fun and beautiful thing when done safely and carefully. I was filled with the wonder that all 16-year-olds describe when they first get their license. Driving in my hometown took me back to a place I had never been before, but somehow knew.

I did run over a curb.

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