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  • Tristan J. Miller

Aligners - I hardly Know Hers!

I have often been told I look British. As a younger person, I took that as a compliment, now I realize that it means I have jacked-up teeth. There’s nothing wrong with jacked-up teeth, plenty of successful people have weird teeth. But, seeing as I’m not successful I took it upon myself to fix my heretofore jacked-up mouth bones.

Teeth, truly the toes of the mouth, are something I obsess over. I love smiles and smiling and I want to do it with confidence. I have wanted straight teeth for years but haven’t had the funds to do so. This is why I chose the wonderful teeth aligning service of [Redacted] after a year of careful research which consisted of getting targeted ads and saving up a couple thousand bucks, by which I mean that second stimulus check.

Having never had braces as a kid and have never asked about the experience of aligning one’s mouth bones. I was therefore shocked to learn that it is in fact, incredibly painful. I do not know why I had not considered this possibility. Aligners, essentially splints ‘o the mouth, are forcing teeth, bones ‘o the mouth to move in an unnatural way to fit arbitrary beauty standards of western culture.

I didn’t just get aligners because of my vanity, although that was a huge part of it. I also got them on account of my bite being bad. I would grind my teeth in my sleep and my jaw was too tight because of it. Now, when I grind my teeth it’s because plastic is agitating my jaw, which is now tighter than the leather pants on Eddie Murphy in Raw. The question is of course, will all of this fuss be worth it? Will I suddenly have more confidence when my teeth are straight? Will my IBS lessen to a reasonable amount? I believe it will.

Because if it doesn’t, I want my money back, Biden.

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