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  • Tristan J. Miller


What is meditation? In short, it’s sitting quietly and breathing weird.

In long, there are a bunch of different sorts of meditation you can try out. I’m going to list a few to try to help you find one that fits best for you. Before I begin, I would like to state for the record that meditation has helped me in various forms at various times in my life. However, meditation isn’t for everyone and can be frustrating and not worth it at all, but totally is and will change your entire life and personality.

  1. Mindfulness meditation.

In a bid to further place the responsibility of happiness and productivity on the worker/citizen and not the company/government, mindfulness meditation is a perfect storm of post-modern psychobabble and demystifying of western religious and cultural practices.

In mindfulness meditation one focuses on one’s breath to become more present, centered, and engaged with remembering a basic function of one’s own body. One may practice mindfulness meditation for a little as three minutes to as long as forgetting to set a timer and falling asleep.

Mindfulness meditation encourages the practitioner to release their anxieties that they’ve been focused on and create new ones by thinking about all the things they have to do in the immediate future, just as soon as they stop wasting time just sitting there and breathing.

Mindfulness meditation can help those who live with anxiety disorders, ADHD, and depression to remember that they can, in fact, breathe.

2. Transcendental Meditation.

Transcendental Meditation or TM to which it’s often referred, is a technique that was founded by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi to try to bring peace and enlightenment to the world.

Transcendental Meditation involves someone sitting in a quiet place for about fifteen to twenty minutes while repeating in their mind a nonsense sound, called a mantra, that has been given to them by their teacher.

TM is a great way to remember that all conversation is one person making sounds expecting someone else to say a different noise back at you. When you transcend it can feel like you’re slowly going down in an elevator, sinking into a warm bath, or about to nut; or nothing at all because your brain isn’t in the mood to transcend just then.

You should ideally meditate twice a day for twenty minutes each. If you’re unable to do this, what’s recommended is to feel weird and guilty about it all day, to the point that, when you’re finally able to find time to meditate, you can focus because you feel bad.

Transcendental Meditation has been known to help those with Bipolar Disorder even their moods out, people with PTSD recover from trauma, and artists become more annoying.

3. Guided Meditation.

Guided Meditation is a form of meditation that one might do if one is too frightened to sit alone with one’s own thoughts and must have others around them to make sure that it’s not too scawy.

Only cowards do guided meditation. The point of meditating is to fall deep into the well of self only to find something you don’t like.


Well, I hope this has been helpful and now I’m going to go sit in a dark room by myself and wish I was seven years old again.

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