• Tristan J. Miller

What Is The Midwest? (It's Not Missouri)

I’ve gotten into the same argument again and again about whether or not Missouri (pronounced Muh-Zur-Ah in my accent) is part of The Midwest or the south.

I contend that, despite the state being in the literal middle of The Union, Missouri is part of the American South.


The only people who disagree with me regarding this fact are those who hail from The Show-Me State. (The real nickname of Missouri.) I understand where they’re coming from. I’ve been to Missouri a few times. Kansas City has a beautiful art scene, excellent museums, and a truly staggering public library. However, that does not remove the twangs, drawls, and various dialectic indications of Southernhood.


I feel like the true issue of the argument into which I keep falling, is the fact that how we differentiate regions in the USA is absolutely untenable. There is the West, The Pacific Northwest, The Midwest, The Northeast, The Southeast, The South, The East, The East Coast, The Bible Belt, The Panhandle, The Great Plains Region, and finally The District Of Columbia.


I propose that we have only four sections of The Union: Pacific, Mountain, Central, and East based on the timezones.


Admittedly, this basing region off of time zone would place Missouri in the same category as Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Illinois, what I consider to be the heart of the midwest. That is a sacrifice I’m willing to make in order to get those damn Michiganders out of The Midwest.


You’ve caught me, I have strong feelings about what is and is not The Midwest and Michigan ain’t it. If your state is in The Eastern Standard Time Zone, I’m sorry but I cannot in good faith call you a midwesterner. I’ve known several Michiganders in my time, and in my experience, they’ve had a coastal elitist attitude despite being landlocked. Whereas Missourians at least have the decency to have a welcoming, passive-aggressive, and upbeat attitude like most Midwesterners.


The strongest case for Missouri being a Southern state is the fact that they seceded from The Union during The American Civil War. It is my firm belief that if one’s state seceded from The Union one cannot call one’s state anything but The South. The secession of The Southern States is perhaps the most defining and damning moment in those states’ history, regardless of time zone. It is literally referred to as The Southern Secession in history books.


I cannot think of an argument to counteract this final point. If you, dear reader, have one, feel free to email me at tristanmillercomedy@gmail.com because I’m bored at work and could use some emails to delete.




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