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  • Tristan J. Miller

What To Do With Your New Government Money!

Recently The United States Government™ has promised her constituents some money in response to the ongoing Global Health Crisis (Patent Pending). My hope is that I can shed some light on what to do with your newfound riches. First of all, it’s not coming. Second of all, it might be coming. Third of all, if/when it maybe/definitely/we’ll see if it does/and if it does it won’t be enough and it’ll be too late, here’s what you can do with it!

First a little background as to what this money is and when you can expect it. This money is part of what is known as a Stimulus Package (insert 12-year-old style innuendo here) which is where The United States Government™, in an attempt to make sure that the economy doesn’t collapse in on itself, gives everybody enough money to pay for the rest of their expenses for a year. This is at least what they tell us. What really happens is they go through Nancy Pelosi’s purse and see what loose change and used tissues they can find and send it to everyone making under 12 cents in 2019.

Some people of course criticize this system saying that if you give a handout to the American Public that they’ll stop wanting to work. This is of course true, but don’t tell anyone that because we all want our money. Some people criticize the amount of money saying it is either too many or too few dollar bills. Little do they know that The United States Government™ plans on sending everyone three goats and a fruit basket.

So now that we know why we’re getting this money (possibly/maybe/definitely/this bit is tired) what should we do with it?

  1. Invest!

I personally have used past stimulus checks to invest, primarily in myself, by which I mean buying things I’ve either a) put off or b) look just too cool! It is important to have a diverse investment portfolio, a Latin word meaning a bunch of crap, particularly during these trying (and failing) times. For example, I have invested in ordering out too much and regretting it later, Warhammer figurines that distract me from being in a panic about the current state of the world, and GameStop stock that I sold back around Christmas time which caused me to spiral into a mortifying depression when what happened with GameStop happened. It is your duty as a tax-paying American to make sure you are investing wisely. If you’re wondering how to do this I recommend investing in a book telling you how, because I sure as hell don’t know what I’m talking about.

  1. Save!

I have also saved up a fair amount of my money from The United States Government™. I will eventually use this for necessary items such as cans of Coke A Cola™ and bourbon. You can also save up a fair amount of money to hopefully one day pay off a good chunk of your credit card debt, all though I doubt it. Saving money can be tricky. The best adage I’ve heard for saving is, “save just enough where you’re not sure if you’re going to be able to pay rent this month and then feel guilty for taking money out of your savings in order to pay rent.” This rule has gotten me through a lot of tough times, such as when I couldn’t pay my rent.

  1. Pay taxes!

This year most tax-paying Americans will be paying taxes. Taxes this year will be strange and confusing, which is to say like most years. But, it will perhaps be more confusing for those, such as myself who have been on unemployment, freelancing, and receiving many “cash gifts” this year. There is a good chance that you will have to use your money from The United States Government™ to pay the United States Government™ back for whatever the hell it is they did last year.

I hope these tips will help you decide what to do with your money from The United States Government™! I am personally going to remind Joseph R. Biden that he owes me money by purchasing a cameo of Al Pacino threading to bust his legs.

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