Where to best cry at your job!
Not to brag, but I’ve cried at almost every single job I’ve ever held. Hell, I’m doing it right now.
I’ve cried in many bathrooms. I’ve cried in closets. I’m most embarrassing of all, I’ve cried in the middle of a restaurant.
Today I’m going to give you some recommendations on where and how to best cry at your place of work.
Due to the global health crisis, many people have been telecommuting or working from home for those of you not born in the ’90s. Telecommuting has made it more convenient than ever before to weep openly at your job. It’s your home, you’ll cry if you want to. But, where is the best place to cry in your home?
My first suggestion is the kitchen. The kitchen is perfect because it’s the least likely place to cry by yourself. Tears will drip gently into the spaghetti and meatballs that you’re preparing at three o’clock in the afternoon, adding the perfect level of salt to an otherwise substandard meal.
My second suggestion is in your bed, this being the most logical place to cry in your home. Crying in your bed is most effective when done alternating every fifteen minutes. Cry for fifteen, work for fifteen, and so on.
If you have returned to office life the primary place to weep due to the stresses of capitalism, is of course the bathroom. This can be tricky as more than one person may need to use the bathroom at a time. That’s why you use the stall. No one will inquire about any noises coming from a stall, ever; not even once in the history of the planet has this happened. This fact is why I find the film Austin Powers to be unbelievable. No man would ever attempt to speak to another man from stall to stall.
Using the stall avoids awkward conversation when a new person arrives and you’re standing at the sink looking at yourself, convulsing with anxiety. If someone comes into the bathroom after you have already started, pretend to have been sneezing. While this may concern the person due to everyone’s anxiety surrounding sickness, it’s better than trying to explain to a coworker that you have a mental health disorder.
If someone is in the bathroom when you come in to cry, please for the love of all things Holy, wait until they’ve left to begin. The worst thing is to look a fellow employee in the eye, turn into the stall, and then begin to cry. They might think it’s their fault.
If you work at a church there’s a great chance that there’s a literal cry room.
I used to work at a preschool and I found you can just cry in front of kids, as they’re more understanding than adults.
c) Street musician.
Just go ahead, people will understand.
That’s all the recommendations I have for now. If you have a job that I didn’t discuss here, feel free to drop me a line at Tristanmillercomedy@gmail.com
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